* i dont know *

i watched a show on hallmark..was it star world..anyways..it was about this girl who battles with anorexia nervosa..

it reminded me of my anorexic days when i was only covered in skin and bones..not a bit of fat on my body..and how i weighed the weight of an evarage nine or ten years old when i was 19..

thinking and watching the movie, i felt that the girl..was me..i mean, everything that she went through - in the movie, reflected my life then..the emoness and the hair drop and the vomiting and the laxatives and the starving and the pain and all and the obsessions..

it makes me wonder, what would have been if i return back to these days?

i was thin and i could practically wear anything of size 0 and my waist size never exceed 22 at that time..but now, im a good 26..which i consider a bit plump..not to mention i loss the collar bones now and no more guitar string bones jutting out from my chest and thin stick arms..

i weighed a nice 47kg now..though my weight never touch 50kg in my life, but i do feel fat..maybe the aneroxic effect is still in me and i never fully recover..i do crave to be thin once in a while..and i do cry every now and then when i couldn't feet into size 0 or size XS..

i have thoughts of wanting to get back on those days..maybe skip a meal or two a little?

maybe work out on excessive exercise till my weight drop to less than 40?

these thoughts flew in and out my tiny head after i watched the movie..

but when dinner comes, guessed what?

i ate burger king's single swiss mushroom burger, with fries and a cup of icy sprite and an ice-cream..

so much of wanting to be thin with bones again..huh?

i guessed no matter how screwed up my mind is about the whole anorexia crap, there are more things that i value than just being thin and bony..

i love God..i love my family and i love my friends..

anorexia is not a fashion statement..its a disease..

ive been there and done that..not nice in the long run..one way or another, you never win with this..so its better to stop..and start eating healthily..

plus, kvlye said that im sexy and hot..so whats there to think?