* alas *

i can breathe properly today..

a sign of relief..

burden off my shoulder..

9 months of carrying it has finally paid off..

the pain, the backaches, the headaches, the agony, the sleepless nights, the cramps, the mood swings, the stress, the tears, the anxieties and everything else seems to wear off..

9 long months..tough months..

the last push was the hardest..so tedious..so frustrating..

pauses after pauses..alot of short breath taken..

kvlye held my hand throughout the whole process..my parents and friends have been nothing but of great support to me..

and when i finally gave my biggest and strongest push, its done..

i made it..

9 months of carrying it..its finally out..its mine..and its worth the wait..

from the making process to the delivery, i've made it..

i held it tightly in my arms, looking at it with pride..
i handed it over to kvlye..he looked at it then he turned his face to me and he smiled at me, gave me a kiss on my forehead and said that he was proud of me..

this morning, i had to give it away..i wasnt reluctant..it was more of a relief to me as i know it didnt belong well with me..it will be better off with another person who will be able to grade it better than i do..

and so then, i gave it away with pride..and im hoping for the best..the best is yet to come..

and i name my "baby", PPTBIIBBAFM...

cute?

* my outfit doesnt appeal anymore *

yup..my title says it all..

i've received comments and i've heard people gossiping behind my ears saying that i dont dress up to uni anymore..and little by little, i realised it myself as well..

i remembered bringing handbags and wearing heels to uni with jeans and nice tees..but now, i am bringing backpack, wearing sandals or flipflops, wearing jeans and normal tees to uni..no earrings..

i hate wearing heels now because im afraid that i will trip again and fall flat on my boobs again..

and reason why i dont make the effort to dress up nicely to uni is.............
err...i have no idea..

it just sink in me and im happy this way..so is kvlye cuz everytime when im trying to look a little nicer, he will get pretty upset cuz i will take a long time to get ready..

i chose to be practical and since i dont have alot of nice outfit to spare, i would rather wear them during my dates and special occasions..nothing wrong with dressing up to uni and nothing wrong with not dressing up..

i heard comments saying that i look immature and childish bringing backpack to uni..
well, im sorry you felt this way about me because i never thought that maturity can be measure by "backpack"..
hahahahaha..

im happy to be me and im happy to dress up the way i want to..as long as im comfortable with it, i dont see any problem with that and as long as i have one butt instead of two, i will gladly wear what i want to wear..

the rest will either have to deal with it or simply shut your eyes whenever i walk down the hallway..

its a good thing that im not walking down the hallway wearing just plastic bags..hehehe..

have a good day people..

* its a good day *

ever since kvlye fetch me to school, i noticed that i get to spend more time with him one on one..

we will hit the road together as early as 6.30am to avoid the jam..even though my class starts at 10am, i will follow him out because he has to get back to his office by 8.30am..

and every time we reached pj, he would park his car under a huge tree and we will both sleep in the car..the sky is still dark at that time as we always reach that area around 6.50am..
we will sleep right up to 7.30am..

when we wake up, we will go for breakfast..a quick one and he will send me off to uni at 7.45am..

it can be tiring sometimes..i mean, most of the time, it is tiring..but to trade my sleeping time with the time i get to spend with him, its worth it..

some people might think that i've gone mad or something, but its ok..im loving it..i get to start my day with him and end it with him too..

i marvelled at kvlye's big heart..he would gladly sacrifice his sleep just to spend the extra hour with me..and im trully blessed..

thank you for every wonderful morinings..i love them all..

* this is another ordinary day *

today, i woke up feeling very scared..

im scared of alot of things..

im worried..

but i learnt to cast out my fears to Him and im learning how to depend on Him fully..

yes indeed it is working..and im slowly letting go all my fears and my doubts..

i believe in Him and im trusting Him..

* this *

life is 10% what happened to you and 90% how you react to it..

this shall be my quote for the time being until i can replace it with another..

* my name is lazy *

this is how you spell my name from now on..

L A Z Y

yup..i am lazy..

* i look like crap *

i took my pre-graduation pic in uni today..

and i looked like crap..

i dunno how to actually go through the whole procession with that pic attached on the screen..

malu sial..

i wanna dig a hole on the ground and bury my face in it..

* my dreams *

when i was little, i used to have extraordinary dreams..i remember dreaming about how i want to grow up being rich and famous, having the glamorous job as an editor in a very famous magazine line in new york..and im also a lawyer like the one in ally mcbeal..

and when im all grown up, i realised that those dreams are left as dreams..and i can never make it come true for one reason or another so i killed those dreams when i turned 16..

since then, i only dreamt to be a lawyer..but because at that time, i couldnt support myself financially to become a lawyer, i killed that dream too..

and if you asked me what is my dream now, i can only tell you this much which i believe, after that, you will begin to think that im being ridiculous..but guessed what, i couldnt be bothered as i dare to dream and i have a dream..make it dreams..dreams that im not embarrassed to share..dreams that i love and dreams that i want to achieve..

i dont dream to climb high on corporate ladders..i dont dream to own up all the designers outfits and goodies..i dont dream a huge mansion alongside with a fancy car..

here are my dreams..

i dream to graduate with pride..i dream to have a stable job which in turn i can called career, doesnt have to be hugely paid but reasonably paid so that i can support myself and my family..i dream to have a car and a house for myself and my family..i dream to have a lovely husband and 3 wonderful children..i dream to have a happy family..everything else beautiful and good can be part of my dreams..

these are my dreams..

* malu *

im in uni..in the computer lab..trying to concentrate on my law assignment..

gotta finish fast cause i have to polish my thesis next before it is ready for printing..

the lab is fully packed with students like me..panicking with assignments and research..

the room is intense..

and suddenly, there was a sound..a very memalukan sound..a loud one indeed..it came from the corner of the lab..

it was a sound of a long loud fart..

everyone turned to look at each other trying to guess who was it..some burst out laughing..others were kind, they just giggled..

the sound came again for the second time..

this time, it wasnt as long and as loud as the previous fart..but it was loud enough for people to notice..

and guessed what?

those 2 mighty farts.....are from...ME!!!!

go on..laugh all you want... :P

* smelly *

after soaking my stinko flip flop in a pail of anti-bacteria solution,

my flip flop still smells like shit..

i guessed i have to get myself another pair of flip flops..which in the end, is a good thing..

=P

* bad start *

hair stinks..

flip flop stinks..

feet stinks..

reason why:

hair stinks because i straightened my hair and i cant wash them..but i did today..beh tahan..

flip flop stinks because ada kucing berak di atasnya..

feet stinks because i wore that flip flop..



bad start of the day..

* things i will do tomorrow *

tomorrow is me birthday..
im old, i know..its ok..im secured..

kvlye is going to accompany me tomorrow and im glad he's doing it for me..

tomorrow, im going to:

spend quality time with kvlye..eat loads and loads of food..be grateful for everything..

* talk about FB-ing *

im the uni computer lab..

and everyone here is facebooking..

wow..happening..

i wonder what happened to friendster..

facebook, anyone?

=P

* it was just my opinion *

it was only my humble opinion when lecturer asked me my opinion..you didn't have to like it or accept it because at the end of the day, you're not marking my papers therefore i find no reason to justify things to you..but that doesn't give you the right to whisper around to others that im unethical because i "so-called-did" the things i didn't do, that i was defamed of..i was just presenting my views..duty call..but you have no right to talk bad about it..and if you want to do so again the next time, make sure you whisper SOFTER..cause i got big huge sharp ears..i can hear and this time, i heard you..
i was just giving my opinion..there's no need for you to attack me..it was just my opinion..and again, it was just my own opinion..

* missing him *

this month marked the 4th month of my grandpa's death..

and his death is with me everyday of my life..

i can still remember the last thing he said to me before he died..and i can still remember how he looked at me before he died..and i can clearly remember the last time i held his hand..i can also remember the last look before they nailed the coffin..and i can still remember clearly how my grandma cried for her loss..

today, the memory of him lingers in my thoughts..

i miss him so much..

what would have been if he is still alive?

what would he have said?

he never once said that i put on weight and he never once said that i was fat..even though clearly, i have put on weight..

instead, he would say that i looked prettier..such a sweet man..

i miss him so much..i really do..i want him back badly..i want my grandma to have him by her side..i want him back and gosh, i miss him badly that it hurts..

* guilty *

i admit, i have been overly tied down with stuffs that i've forgotten about the ones who needs me..i am selfish..i was tired and stressed up and i've given myself much excuses not to keep in touch thinking that one can solve their own dilemma without me..but i was wrong..the fact that someone is "drowning" and i refused to "saved" her even though i can "swim"..just because i thought that i look fat in swim suit..

when i devote myself into helping someone, it is despite and in spite of everything else..and i am therefore guilty..

i allowed myself to wallow into self pity that i no longer listen to others..i speak more than i should listen..i allowed emotions to take control over me..i allowed myself excuses to creep in and make me sound as if its a virtue..i left my beloved friend who is in need to deal with matters alone when clearly, i should have done something in return for her..i allowed daily pressures to suppressed me..and i allowed petty arguments to settle in between kvlye and i..and all i wanted to say is, im sorry..



im sorry, dear..i shouldnt let petty things bound us like that..i love you..

and im sorry, sarah..i should have talk to you..

* sadness, not anymore *

my white gold necklace broke for the second time..

and this time, the pendent flew out and i have no idea where it is..its gone..

i was kinda sad at first but something make my lips curved upwards..

its the love i received from my team..my friends..

when i broke the news that my pendent is missing, everyone..everyone..regardless of young or old in church during practise yesterday, help to look for it..

yes, everyone..

there are about more than 12 people and everyone helped look for it..

what a joy..

although i lost the pendent but i realised that i gained the assurance that i have people who will stand by me no matter what..

kudos..

* hungry *

im hungry..

and i have three buns with me..

all three with yummylicious fillings..

but i do not want to eat any of them..

and im hungry..

.............

* in a relationship *

status updated..

from single =====> in a relationship..

i stared in awe at the computer screen..

my friend..my good old friend is finally in a relationship..

now, i know to many, being in a relationship at the age of 25 is nothing..but to this friend of mine, he has been found courting this girl for the longest time ever..and now, they are together..

its amazing how love can withstand all waves, storms and wind..

relationship..

what exactly does one mean when they are in a relationship?

im in a relationship myself and to me, there is no right or wrong in defining what is a relationship..

to me, it simply is a level to go through in order to prepare for "the forever" life with your partner..it is a transition from the word "courting couple" to "gfs and bfs" to "spouse" or "husband and wife"..

thats what i think..

and i learn to value my relationship more after the 10 months to a year distance relationship i had with kvlye..wasnt easy but to think of it again, its not that tough either..

so, i do admire those people who went through distance relationship and came out of it well together, tie knots and live ever after..not happily as i do not believe in fairy tales ending..but these people stayed on together..fought together and earn what they fought for together..

that's the beauty of it all..

to those who are reading this and is going through distance relationship or might go through it later, just believe and trust..and remember, its wasnt all easy but it wasnt all tough either..it depends how complicated you want it to be..sure there will be tears and laughters along the way but who said love was ever easy? you have got to find some value worth fighthing for..tears and laughters are included in the package when you're in a relationship..

at the end of the day, when you tell yourself and your partner that everything is going to be alright, indeed, everything will be alright..

* overly tired *

its 9.35am..

im in uni already..with no familiar faces..

i am in uni since 7.50am..had to do some output..

im tired..i slept for about 7 hours..and im still tired..

im tired..and im so sleepy..

what went wrong in me...

on contrary, my class ends late today..

all day in uni..

can you spell "tired" and "boredom" ?