* my name is lazy *

this is how you spell my name from now on..

L A Z Y

yup..i am lazy..

* i look like crap *

i took my pre-graduation pic in uni today..

and i looked like crap..

i dunno how to actually go through the whole procession with that pic attached on the screen..

malu sial..

i wanna dig a hole on the ground and bury my face in it..

* my dreams *

when i was little, i used to have extraordinary dreams..i remember dreaming about how i want to grow up being rich and famous, having the glamorous job as an editor in a very famous magazine line in new york..and im also a lawyer like the one in ally mcbeal..

and when im all grown up, i realised that those dreams are left as dreams..and i can never make it come true for one reason or another so i killed those dreams when i turned 16..

since then, i only dreamt to be a lawyer..but because at that time, i couldnt support myself financially to become a lawyer, i killed that dream too..

and if you asked me what is my dream now, i can only tell you this much which i believe, after that, you will begin to think that im being ridiculous..but guessed what, i couldnt be bothered as i dare to dream and i have a dream..make it dreams..dreams that im not embarrassed to share..dreams that i love and dreams that i want to achieve..

i dont dream to climb high on corporate ladders..i dont dream to own up all the designers outfits and goodies..i dont dream a huge mansion alongside with a fancy car..

here are my dreams..

i dream to graduate with pride..i dream to have a stable job which in turn i can called career, doesnt have to be hugely paid but reasonably paid so that i can support myself and my family..i dream to have a car and a house for myself and my family..i dream to have a lovely husband and 3 wonderful children..i dream to have a happy family..everything else beautiful and good can be part of my dreams..

these are my dreams..

* malu *

im in uni..in the computer lab..trying to concentrate on my law assignment..

gotta finish fast cause i have to polish my thesis next before it is ready for printing..

the lab is fully packed with students like me..panicking with assignments and research..

the room is intense..

and suddenly, there was a sound..a very memalukan sound..a loud one indeed..it came from the corner of the lab..

it was a sound of a long loud fart..

everyone turned to look at each other trying to guess who was it..some burst out laughing..others were kind, they just giggled..

the sound came again for the second time..

this time, it wasnt as long and as loud as the previous fart..but it was loud enough for people to notice..

and guessed what?

those 2 mighty farts.....are from...ME!!!!

go on..laugh all you want... :P

* smelly *

after soaking my stinko flip flop in a pail of anti-bacteria solution,

my flip flop still smells like shit..

i guessed i have to get myself another pair of flip flops..which in the end, is a good thing..

=P

* bad start *

hair stinks..

flip flop stinks..

feet stinks..

reason why:

hair stinks because i straightened my hair and i cant wash them..but i did today..beh tahan..

flip flop stinks because ada kucing berak di atasnya..

feet stinks because i wore that flip flop..



bad start of the day..

* things i will do tomorrow *

tomorrow is me birthday..
im old, i know..its ok..im secured..

kvlye is going to accompany me tomorrow and im glad he's doing it for me..

tomorrow, im going to:

spend quality time with kvlye..eat loads and loads of food..be grateful for everything..

* talk about FB-ing *

im the uni computer lab..

and everyone here is facebooking..

wow..happening..

i wonder what happened to friendster..

facebook, anyone?

=P

* it was just my opinion *

it was only my humble opinion when lecturer asked me my opinion..you didn't have to like it or accept it because at the end of the day, you're not marking my papers therefore i find no reason to justify things to you..but that doesn't give you the right to whisper around to others that im unethical because i "so-called-did" the things i didn't do, that i was defamed of..i was just presenting my views..duty call..but you have no right to talk bad about it..and if you want to do so again the next time, make sure you whisper SOFTER..cause i got big huge sharp ears..i can hear and this time, i heard you..
i was just giving my opinion..there's no need for you to attack me..it was just my opinion..and again, it was just my own opinion..

* missing him *

this month marked the 4th month of my grandpa's death..

and his death is with me everyday of my life..

i can still remember the last thing he said to me before he died..and i can still remember how he looked at me before he died..and i can clearly remember the last time i held his hand..i can also remember the last look before they nailed the coffin..and i can still remember clearly how my grandma cried for her loss..

today, the memory of him lingers in my thoughts..

i miss him so much..

what would have been if he is still alive?

what would he have said?

he never once said that i put on weight and he never once said that i was fat..even though clearly, i have put on weight..

instead, he would say that i looked prettier..such a sweet man..

i miss him so much..i really do..i want him back badly..i want my grandma to have him by her side..i want him back and gosh, i miss him badly that it hurts..

* guilty *

i admit, i have been overly tied down with stuffs that i've forgotten about the ones who needs me..i am selfish..i was tired and stressed up and i've given myself much excuses not to keep in touch thinking that one can solve their own dilemma without me..but i was wrong..the fact that someone is "drowning" and i refused to "saved" her even though i can "swim"..just because i thought that i look fat in swim suit..

when i devote myself into helping someone, it is despite and in spite of everything else..and i am therefore guilty..

i allowed myself to wallow into self pity that i no longer listen to others..i speak more than i should listen..i allowed emotions to take control over me..i allowed myself excuses to creep in and make me sound as if its a virtue..i left my beloved friend who is in need to deal with matters alone when clearly, i should have done something in return for her..i allowed daily pressures to suppressed me..and i allowed petty arguments to settle in between kvlye and i..and all i wanted to say is, im sorry..



im sorry, dear..i shouldnt let petty things bound us like that..i love you..

and im sorry, sarah..i should have talk to you..

* sadness, not anymore *

my white gold necklace broke for the second time..

and this time, the pendent flew out and i have no idea where it is..its gone..

i was kinda sad at first but something make my lips curved upwards..

its the love i received from my team..my friends..

when i broke the news that my pendent is missing, everyone..everyone..regardless of young or old in church during practise yesterday, help to look for it..

yes, everyone..

there are about more than 12 people and everyone helped look for it..

what a joy..

although i lost the pendent but i realised that i gained the assurance that i have people who will stand by me no matter what..

kudos..

* hungry *

im hungry..

and i have three buns with me..

all three with yummylicious fillings..

but i do not want to eat any of them..

and im hungry..

.............

* in a relationship *

status updated..

from single =====> in a relationship..

i stared in awe at the computer screen..

my friend..my good old friend is finally in a relationship..

now, i know to many, being in a relationship at the age of 25 is nothing..but to this friend of mine, he has been found courting this girl for the longest time ever..and now, they are together..

its amazing how love can withstand all waves, storms and wind..

relationship..

what exactly does one mean when they are in a relationship?

im in a relationship myself and to me, there is no right or wrong in defining what is a relationship..

to me, it simply is a level to go through in order to prepare for "the forever" life with your partner..it is a transition from the word "courting couple" to "gfs and bfs" to "spouse" or "husband and wife"..

thats what i think..

and i learn to value my relationship more after the 10 months to a year distance relationship i had with kvlye..wasnt easy but to think of it again, its not that tough either..

so, i do admire those people who went through distance relationship and came out of it well together, tie knots and live ever after..not happily as i do not believe in fairy tales ending..but these people stayed on together..fought together and earn what they fought for together..

that's the beauty of it all..

to those who are reading this and is going through distance relationship or might go through it later, just believe and trust..and remember, its wasnt all easy but it wasnt all tough either..it depends how complicated you want it to be..sure there will be tears and laughters along the way but who said love was ever easy? you have got to find some value worth fighthing for..tears and laughters are included in the package when you're in a relationship..

at the end of the day, when you tell yourself and your partner that everything is going to be alright, indeed, everything will be alright..

* overly tired *

its 9.35am..

im in uni already..with no familiar faces..

i am in uni since 7.50am..had to do some output..

im tired..i slept for about 7 hours..and im still tired..

im tired..and im so sleepy..

what went wrong in me...

on contrary, my class ends late today..

all day in uni..

can you spell "tired" and "boredom" ?

* im loving it *

last weekend, i enjoyed doing alot of things with kvlye..

we didn't celebrate valentine as we kinda think that its over-rated and everything is so commercialised..no offence to sesiapa sahaja yang menyambutnya..its just our personal opinions..

anyways, im supposed to wake up arly to do some driving, right? but tak jadi..cuz miss sleepy head piggy me was too tired to wake up at 8am..blame it on the midnight outing...yea, we went for a lame-mo movie the night before..after movie, we went jalan jalan in the car to look for houses..yup, in the middle of the night..when we're home, we just sat on the couch chatting...

what did we talked about?

1) our future plans (me favourite)
2) what to have up for deco tomorrow in church
3) what are we gonna do on my birthday
4) the ex-bf s and the ex-gfs
5) diamond ring (wink wink)
6) the distance relationship thinggy (japan-msia)
7) our respective familia


that is why, saturday driving lesson never happen..

saturday..valentine's day..we had fun just being side by side..i was with him for the whole day..we had lunch over at 1U then we went to collect my chain necklace..then we went to church..i helped him with the decos..then he went for service while i went to brainstorm some dance steps with zara..

after service, i let him play along with silly vincent..then, as a group, the setapak gang, together with kvlye and i, we went to have seafood..

it was indeed a furitful day..doing things together with kvlye..doesnt have to be fancy-mancy-dancy..all we need is time of together..

we have it and that's it..

wonder what my gift from kvlye is?
answer: assurance and security..

happy belated v-day to everyone..

* a new day *

its a new day today..

start it right and end it right as well..

tomorrow is valentine's..

im excited though im not celebrating it..

maybe its the driving lesson..

gosh..i hope i can wake up to go for my lesson..

big car, here i come..

* vday *

vday is just around the corner..hmm..vday vday vday..

i never really celebrated vday with kvlye..

inclusive of this year (2009), this vday will only be the 3rd one for us..

what happened during vday 2 years ago? let mua tell you..

year 2007..

i decided to celebrate vday with the girls in my church..it was fantabulous..the church itself was beautifully decorated..it was beautiful..all the girls that were there, dresses up beautifully..

it was considered to be some what of a fine dining..there's a little menu on the nicely decorated table with of cuz, candles and flower petals..menu with choices of steak, lamb and fish..i took fish..it came along with cold salads and soup of the day and of cuz, after meal, dessert..

there are also performances and yah..the dance floor and the girls went wild..hehe..

of cuz there are no boys allowed so kvlye was very much on his own doing his very own stuffs..i was busy having all girls fun..

at the end of the whole dinner, we were given a miniature estee lauder perfume..

and when we were about to go, there, out of nowhere, a group of nicely dressed guys, wearing tuxedo with ties..each holding a stalk of red rose..

the girls were amazed at how well the guys groomed themselves..and i saw my kvlye standing among the other guys..he too was wearing a nice tux with a matching tie and holding a stalk of red rose..

he came to my direction, came right to me, gave me a hug and handed me the rose..and whispered in my ears, "happy valentine's day, darling"..i went out of the church smiling..

he fetched me home..he stopped halfway, took out a box of something and handed it to me..

i opened it, and it was a beautifu platinum necklace with a lovely heart shaped pendant..

that my friend, is vday for year 2007..



year 2008..

we argued on that very own day..i got down from the car and accidentally hurt myself trying to "escape" from him..cuz i was so mad at him..

at night,after my work..he bought me a piece of my fav chocolate indulgence and a card..everything that he wanted to say was in that card..and for someone who hates writing, he managed to impress me..

that year, kvlye celebrated vday with his mom, dad and nicole..he took them out..it was a family day for him..we celebrated it the next day where prices for food and all are back to "normal"..

that was our valentine's day for year 2008..


what about this year?

for valentine's day 2009, im having driving big car lesson with kvlye..

and more to come..i have no idea what..but we'll see..but im sure, very sure that it will not be that of a bling bling..




HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY !!!!!!!!!!

* thoughts *

im not only having second thoughts about graduating this sem, im having 10 thoughts about it..

no doubt im superly duper excited about graduating this sem, the convo and all, in 3 months times to be exact but its the fear of, "what's next?" that is killing me..

i know i still have 3 more months to go until i reach the "non-lecture and tutorial world"..but heck, what if im not ready for the working world?

im freaking out..

some of my friends are already sending out their resume..they know what they want..they are ready..and i envy these people..

me on the other hand, busy freaking out..

yes, i do have in mind what i want to do later on after i graduate..but i have this inner feelings that tells me that i cannot manage it..i cant do it..

and little do i realised, i trust my inner feelings..

i fear working..

i fear moving on..

i fear being in the working adult world..

i fear graduating..

i fear almost everything..

tell me, are these thoughts normal for some "fresh-grad-newbies-to-be" like me or am i being too overly paranoid?

i have this feeling that i cannot project professionalism..and i have this feeling that i can do nothing..

i have many thoughts right now..

i need psychological help..

i need to talk to peopleSSSSSSSSSS...

maybe i should just get married and make lots and lots of babies..bloom babies i supposed..be a baby making machine..maybe i can do that..

omg, what am i thinking..im already thinking of the worst scenario ever..nononono......

actually, i think i need to calm down..

* breathe in *

* breathe out *

hmm....

im still not calm..

* drop dead on floor *

* deleted *

i spent a good 2 years blogging about what happened and what might have been..

and i took only 15mins today, deleting those of what happened and what might have been..

reason being, i felt that some of my older posts are rather depressing and very demotivating..

therefore, i would want certain changes to take place..

sure i miss the old posts as i know i can never get them back again but nevertheless, i believe i have better things to blog about later..

and surely, it will not be as before..or at least not so as before..

thank you..

love,
crossbun